Tell me how'd a nice girl like you get into a racket like this
I was studying at the Paris Conservatory I was going to be a concert pianist
Chopin and Debussy and like that
And then the night of my first recital the piano cover fell on my hand
Three broken fingers and a broken dream
After that I didn't care what happened
as long as I could feed myself and my little dog
Thank you
Do you mind if I ask you a personal question
You mean why does a girl like me have to do this for a living
Well actually I'm Belgian My parents were missionaries in the Congo
I don't wanna talk about that
I understand So now there's just me and my sister
She's in the hospital Needs three transfusions a day
D'you know how much a pint of blood costs these days
Thank you
Sorry pooch What's his name
Her name Coquette
And what's yours Irma They call me Irma la Douce
That means Irma the Sweet I don't know why
I know why How much is that in dollars
Five dollars Actually I don't even know my real name
I was brought up in an orphanage near Cherbourg it was destroyed on D day
I've been sending money to help rebuild it I've already paid for a whole wing
Uh
That's all I have on me ma'am
Actually it was bombed by the Eighth Air Force Not that I blame you Americans
But if you could see those poor orphans sleeping on the floor the rain coming in
There are no beds yet and no roof
Uh
Do y'all take traveller's cheques
This then is the story of Irma la Douce
A story of passion bloodshed desire and death
Everything in fact that makes life worth living
The place is Paris the time is five o'clock in the morning
You may have read in travel folders that Paris is a city that never sleeps
Don't you believe it
At this time of the day there is nothing doing
unless you're working for the department of sanitation
If you want a nightcap at Maxim's it's too late
It's been closed for hours
If you want to jump off the Eiffel Tower it's too early
It won't be open for hours
So if you're looking for a little action forget the high rent district
You'd better come to our neighbourhood
This is Les Halles the wholesale food market
We call it the stomach of Paris
Keep your Champs Élysées and your palace in Versailles
This is the place for me: Brawling vulgar smelly but alive
Beef from Charollais pork from Périgord
lamb from Brittany veal from Normandy
Brains and kidneys and tripe
Pigs' feet and calves' heads waiting for sauce vinaigrette
Salmon from the Loire sole from the Channel
Iobsters from Corsica
oysters from Dieppe sardines from Lorient
Asparagus from Argenteuil oranges from Valencia
melons from Cavaillon cabbage from Aubervilliers
But man does not live by cabbage alone
And if that's what you're in the market for just step into the Rue Casanova
This is where the girls are or as we say the "poules"
You can have your choice of Kiki the Cossack Amazon Annie
Lolita Suzette Wong Mimi the Maumau
and then of course there's Irma la Douce
She was born here in Les Halles in a truck behind the fish market
Like all the others she takes her coffee break in the bistro across the street
This is the owner He is known as Moustache
According to police records he is a Romanian chicken thief
named Constantinescu but when he bought this place
it was called "Chez Moustache" and it was cheaper to grow a moustache
than to buy a new sign
Sometimes at dawn rich slummers drop in for a bowl of onion soup
But mostly the clientele consists of the "poules" and their "macs"
You know what a "mac" is How do you say it in English
A protector a consort a business manager
Well stick around you'll get the idea
How are we doin' Not bad
Mostly tips I had some real pigeons tonight
Sometimes I wish you were twins Thanks
What's that What's what Oh that
The last one didn't have any more money so he gave me a cheque
Now is that nice Irma holding out on me
It's only ten dollars And you weren't gonna tell me about it
I was gonna put it down as a deposit on a hair dryer
A hair dryer We're partners Irma You wouldn't wanna cheat me
Let go Hippolyte There's such a thing as ethics
You're hurting me you big ox
If you don't like the way I treat you why don't you get yourself another guy
I will one of these days Why wait Why not leave me now
I'd take her any time
Oh you would
It was just a joke Hippolyte A joke
So how come nobody's laughing
Now go back to work
Ox
And so it was one big happy family around here:
The "macs" the "poules" and the "flics"
or as you would say the cops
Your statesmen and politicians keep talking about peaceful coexistence
but here in our milieu we really practise it
The attitude of the police is live and let live
And some of them make a pretty good living at it
Every other Friday the "flics" would raid Rue Casanova just for the record
A few "poules" would be hauled to the station they'd pay a small fine
and 24 hours later they'd be back on the street
It was a nice friendly civilised arrangement
Everybody looked the other way everybody kept his mouth shut
nobody got hurt except maybe an occasional fly
And then one day disaster
An honest policeman came on the beat
Coquette Come here Coquette You naughty girl
Pardon me do you have a licence
A licence No It's a violation of ordinance number 56
Oh usually they let us get away with it
Not me And according to the law you're supposed to keep it on a leash
On a leash
Oh Oh of course
I'll remember that Now just a moment
What are all you girls doing around here at this hour of the morning
I don't know about them I'm walking my dog
Oh I see I have to take her out all the time
She has kidney stones That's a shame
Look it if you don't mind my saying so
Oh I'm sorry
I've never seen a girl in green stockings before
It matches the ribbon and my underwear
Green underwear
You're new around here aren't you It's my first day
I thought so I've been on the force for six months
I was stationed at the Bois de Boulogne by the lake where the children play
That's where I got this medal For keeping kids off the grass
I saved a boy from drowning mouth to mouth respiration
So they thought I was ready for bigger things and transferred me here
Well you're going to like it here I'm not so sure
If I were you I'd exercise that dog somewhere else
Why Those girls over there
Something tells me they're streetwalkers
No Yes I can spot 'em six blocks away
Say Irma I just got off work so if you're not busy
I beg your pardon It's me André wholesale artichokes
I don't need any What the matter with you
You want me to take my business to Kiki
Is this man annoying you It's all right Not now Come back later
Later I've only got a half hour
Look Officer there's a truck double parked there
Now why don't you do your duty Maybe I will
He takes his work very seriously I try
See you again sometime I wouldn't be surprised
What'll it be Officer Cognac No no I never drink when I'm on duty
In fact I never drink when I'm off duty Maybe just a little glass of Vichy water
Looking for something Officer
What do you know about that hotel Casanova slept there in 1763
I'm not talking about 1763 Since I've been here four couples walked in
Monday is always a slow night
Just between us would you have even a vague idea what they're doing in there
I have a very definite idea They're making love
That's illegal Shows you the kind of world we live in
Love is illegal but not hate
That you can do anywhere anytime to anybody
But if you want a little warmth a shoulder to cry on a smile to cuddle up with
you have to hide in dark corners like a criminal Pfui
I wouldn't call that love Spoken like a petit bourgeois
It's flagrant vice and must be stamped out
My dear boy your thinking is not only fuzzy it's economically unsound
And I know what I'm talking about
I used to be professor of economics at the Sorbonne
A professor For six years but that's another story
Then you should agree decent citizens have a right to be protected from this
Let's take one married for 20 years works hard all day selling baby carriages
In the evening he wants a little fun companionship
So he comes to Rue Casanova He meets a girl she gives him companionship
he gives her money She gives it to her boyfriend
the boyfriend spends it on drinks on cuff links at the racetrack
Sometimes he even pays a little money to a policeman
Bribe a policeman That's the beauty of it
The policeman takes it and buys a baby carriage from the decent citizen
Thusly money is kept in circulation
Everybody's prosperous everybody's happy
I don't believe it It's elementary
I don't believe there are policemen who take money
Oh not all policemen take money
Some of the higher ups have a more intimate arrangement with the girls
Well there's one policeman around here who isn't corrupt
You wouldn't know the number of the police station would you
Central 5288 But I wouldn't be so impetuous if I were you
Have your Vichy
Desk sergeant It's Officer Patou I want a police van sent to the Hotel Casanova
Violation of section 34 of the criminal code
Not littering the sidewalks that's section 43 This is lewd and immoral conduct
There goes another couple I'm gonna raid the place
You're asking for trouble my friend
To be too honest in a dishonest world is like plucking a chicken against the wind
You'll only wind up with a mouthful of feathers
Don't worry old man I know what I'm doing
Do you have a fire alarm here Oh a fire
Oh yes It's right over there
Yes Officer Oh it's in perfect working order
Wh wh where is the fire
Right here
Oh no that's hot It's hot
Oh no you don't You're under arrest
All right All right everybody Everybody the party's over
Girls on this side men over here Hey what is this
A raid On a Monday
It's supposed to be every other Friday Can I go and get my stockings
No Come on You oughta pay me half
It wasn't my fault I don't know what she's talkin' about
I was up there unpacking my samples Come on
Over
You oughta be ashamed of yourself scaring a poor dog like that
They ought to take that dog away from you you're not a fit mother
Quiet quiet
I'll let you men go We'll need you as witnesses Your name
Jacques Casanova
What's yours André Casanova
I suppose you're Pierre Casanova No I am General Lafayette
Retired
All right let's start all over again And what's your name
I'm Officer Just a moment who's investigating you or me
It's an outrage I'll see you lose your job
Shut up Do you know who you're talking to
Trying to bribe an officer eh
Back Everybody back All right OK ladies let's go Come on Back
In we go Not so rough
Up up up Watch that baton
Don't handle the merchandise In you get
Take it easy you Come on
Let's go let's go Come on Here we go
Let's go now Here we go Just a minute
No smoking in a police van Who do you think you are De Gaulle
Inside Come on come on What do they expect us to do now
Collect unemployment insurance It's that new flic
One of these days I'm gonna catch him outta uniform and then
Up up up Let's go
Who does this belong to
Officer would you zip my dress up
Will you hold this please
Hey
Say Officer do you really have to take us to the station
The last time we were arrested we drove right on to Deauville
What a weekend 18 girls and three policemen
And they weren't nearly as cute as you are
Wouldn't ya like a harem We'll make you feel like a king
King Farouk
Oh look he's blushing
I guess he's too young Maybe if we put a moustache on him
he'd look older
All right all right
One false move out of any one of ya and I'm gonna let you have it
That's enough girls Leave him alone
He can take care of himself No he can't
You know what he was doing before this Policing a children's playground
Now now kids stay out of the bushes
Don't take candy from strangers And no playing doctor
# Little birdie pretty little birdie
# Little birdie fly away with me
# We will build a little nest # We will build a little nest
# Get the best # Get the best
# In my nest # In my nest
Here you dropped this Oh thank you
You're the only nice one They were just pulling your leg
And it almost came off Sorry I have to put you in jail
Oh I don't mind I can use a little rest
Oh Officer Nestor Patou checking in 16 females suspected of lewd vagrancy
And one poodle How many 16
Yes Monday is a slow night but I'll do better next time
You will huh Definitely
Hello
About the little one don't worry we'll feed her around here
Thank you but none of that horse meat you give police dogs
She's got kidney stones remember Hey Patou
The inspector wants to see you The inspector Did you hear that
The inspector wants to see me Maybe they've given you a medal
Do you think so No not on my first day
In there All right
Come in
Officer Patou reporting You sent for me sir
So you're the new man Yes sir
I've been wondering what you looked like
Well you've seen me before I have
Remember At the Hotel Casanova
What was I doing at the Hotel Casanova
I don't know but I was raiding the place You were Who authorised the raid
I was using my own judgement sir It was an obvious violation of section 34
We can get a conviction now we have you as a witness
And look at your uniform It's disgraceful
There were 16 of them in the van and they were resisting arrest sir
And I was resisting too
I didn't lose my head just my gun but I got it back
Take off your cap when talking to me Yes sir
Hey chéri you oughta get outta those wet clothes
I'll help you
Look who's here
# Little birdie pretty little birdie
# Little birdie fly away with me
A glass of Vichy right
Cognac please to get the taste of feathers out of my mouth
# Little birdie pretty little birdie
# Little birdie fly away with me
You off duty Permanently
I've been bounced from the police force You don't say
Had the goods on me Insubordination accepting bribes and a missing button
So they took away my medal threw me out of the barracks
Reminds me of when I was drummed out of the army Marrakech you know
I was a colonel in the foreign legion
Before or after you were a professor of economics
No in between I was a croupier in Montecarlo but that's another story
Oh Well one more
So what's your next move
I've been lookin' for a job applied to all the bureaus
customs inspection sanitation but once you've been dishonourably discharged
they won't even let you clean the sewers
I hate to see a young man like you take a defeatist attitude
The world is full of opportunities Just look around
There's one armed Jojo used to be a safecracker
till he put a little too much nitroglycerin in a vault
And Casablanca Charlie Five years ago he walked in with holes in his shoes
and a pocketful of dirty postcards
Or take Hippolyte the Ox used to be a purse snatcher around the market
They all started at the bottom but they had perseverance and drive and vision
Now they've got it made They're retired They let their girls work for them
I'm afraid I wasn't cut out for a life of crime
There you go selling yourself short
Oh maybe I could snatch a purse or crack a small safe
but to sit around in a striped suit while some girl out in the street never
You're being petit bourgeois again
Life is total war my friend Nobody has a right to be a conscientious objector
Cigarettes A pack of Gitanes coming up
Hello Hello
Nasty night isn't it It never fails
Wouldn't you know just this afternoon I gave her a permanent
Put them on my bill Uh
Can I buy you a cheap drink
Why not Do you think you can afford a peppermint tea
Certainly One peppermint tea coming up
Here we are again Again Have we been together before
I guess you don't recognise me out of uniform
Uniform Oh about a month ago
You're that sailor with Brigitte Bardot tattooed on your chest
No it was just this morning I arrested you
Oh Oh of course
I'm sorry I never remember a face
Oh How long did they keep you in the police station
About an hour I was out much faster than that
Sugar Thanks
Say that hotel tell me what are the rates
Why I'm lookin' for a room
They charge by the hour Nobody can afford it
Besides they don't take anybody with luggage
Irma
Let's have it
Is that all It's the weather Nothin's happening
Well get out and make it happen
Do you mind if I dry out first On your way I haven't won all evening
When I walked the beat on a night like this I wore two pairs of socks
You oughta try it And long underwear
By all means Also I'd put a newspaper inside my coat to keep my chest warm
Look mister I'm in a very competitive business
Well at least you get indoors once in a while and off your feet
I'm sorry Forget it
You oughta cut down on it I mean one after another
Mind your own business If you wanna smoke yourself to death
I met fellas that asked me to do a lot of crazy things but not give up smokin'
Well I don't mean to get personal it's just that I like you
In Dijon there was this girl I was in love with
And I remind you of her You don't look anything like her at all
But she was a heavy smoker 60 cigarettes a day coughin' all the time
What are you hangin' around for I said out
Please you're interrupting All right we were just talking
About smoking Talk on your own time
I would strongly advise you to let go of the lady
Oh it's you I'll give you exactly five seconds One
two three four five
Well that's better
Outside
And don't come back with any excuses I need 100 francs
Hey watch it This is a new hat
Had enough
Now I'm mad
Now I am really mad
And when I get mad I'm like a tiger
Do you hear that boys He's a tiger
Hey girls A fight
All right who's next
Cognac
Would you care for another peppermint tea
No thank you
Put everything on my bill
Shall we go Might as well
I'm getting bored with this place
Where are we goin' To my apartment
I thought you lived in the hotel That's my business address
Come on you're getting wet
Don't expect too much when we get up there
No not at all
I have no rugs no icebox As long as you have an empty couch
No couch
I also have to get curtains
They're working across the street repairing the roof and I sleep in the nude
Well it's about time they started fixing up You mean you don't wear anything
Nothing but a sleeping mask
Oh
That's all right because the workmen wouldn't recognise you anyway
You know what I've got An electric blanket
It was a present from somebody with the American Embassy
That must be nice an electric blanket on a night like this
Only it doesn't work They've got a different kind of electricity AC or DC
That's too bad Don't worry you won't be cold
I'm not worried
It's very attractive It has atmosphere
Used to be a studio A painter once lived here
Poor guy he was starving Tried everything even cut his ear off
Van Gogh No I think his name was Schwartz
Would you believe it I'm an artist myself
I believe it See this bed
Yes
I painted it
Oh Oh
Very good job
It looked just awful when I found it at the flea market
Can I borrow a newspaper You wanna read
No of course not Can I take your stockings off
Sure go ahead
You really are shy aren't you
Me Shy
Not particularly It's it's just the kind of world we live in
What I mean is if you hate somebody you can do that any time any place but
if you like somebody you gotta hide in dark corners
You know I'm sort of glad about that girl in Dijon with the cough
You are Because frankly in the police van
I thought that you'd never in your life uh
Oh she wasn't the only girl I've had more than one girl
How many Altogether
Oh let me see Three
Not as many as that That is
What's your name
Nes Nestor Nestor Patou
Well don't take all night Nestor Patou
I won't
Didn't you say you had a sleeping mask
You're really something
What's going on What are you doing
Irma
Where are you Irma
Where are you Irma Hm
Hm
What are you doing way over there
It's four o'clock in the afternoon
Come back What's gotten into you
I don't know I guess I've become an addict
Irma
What do you want I wanna talk to you
You go to hell
I'm coming up to get my clothes
Just a minute
Who is it That big ox again Uh huh
If you have something personal to discuss
No stay right where you are
Catch
But what about my suits and my silk shirts and my jewellery
This is what you came with and this is what you're leaving with
Why you little
You're lucky I don't take back that gold tooth
I'm gonna come up there and break your arm
Oh you are
Tiger
Come on out Tiger
You want my friend here to beat you up again
You'll be hearing from me
And stay away
You could beat him up again right Naturally
It's just that I don't like to pick on anybody who isn't my size
How did you get mixed up with a character like that anyway
Should've seen the one I had before He was not only mean
he used to run around with other women and on my money
Why do you have to have anybody at all
Everybody needs somebody
Like Coquette needs me Who wants to be a stray dog
You've got to belong to someone even if he kicks you once in a while
Don't you have any family No
My mother was a very successful woman
She used to have the same spot outside the hotel that I do
Then one day she met a guy fell in love with him and quit
That's very romantic Romantic It's stupid
Gave up her career for what Some slob from the market
dragged around heavy sides of beef till he dropped dead
It was too late for Momma to make a comeback
She wound up as a cashier in the fish market
Only smart thing she ever did was not marry my father
You mean you're not le legitimate
That's right
You'd think with a background like that I'd have turned out no good
I know you're doing very well but a girl like you there's other kinds of jobs
This isn't just a job it's a profession
Of course
Somebody has to do these things but in your case now that I know you better
I get that all the time The other night I met a man
who thought I was too good for this and you know what he does
He's a mortician Now I ask you Ask me what
Why is it nine out of ten try to reform me
You're not one of those are you
Who me Oh no
I used to be one of those
Petit bourgeois but that was yesterday I know better now
I don't think she cares for me
You two better make friends if you're gonna live here
Live here Why Don't you like the idea
Sure
I like the idea it's just that I had no idea
Is this all you've got Just my old uniform and my toilet kit
Try one of those suits in the closet
Go ahead
Let's see how you look in the brown one with the pinstripes He hardly ever wore it
Said it was too conservative
I'm afraid the sleeves may be a little
Don't worry about that There's a brown derby that goes with it
What are the glasses for The races
Oh Gee they look very powerful
Oops What's the matter
Wrong end
You want me to turn around No I mean the glasses
I'll bet nobody ever saw you like this before
You'd lose Through field glasses
No bet
When I first met you I thought you were pretty I was totally wrong
You're beautiful
You're outta your mind or out of focus Without make up you look about 14
I wore make up when I was 14 so I could pass for 17
Then by the time I was 17 Never mind
I don't wanna hear about it
This coat looks ridiculous Well have it fixed
Just take it into Maurice the tailor
All right but I won't wear the hat
But you have to It all goes together
The suit the hat the glasses For when you go to the racetrack
The racetrack Who's got time for the racetrack I gotta get myself a job
What do you mean a job I can find something around the market
Unloadin' trucks cleanin' the stalls or
What's the matter
Did I say somethin' wrong
You're trying to make me feel cheap Cheap
How would it look if I let you go to work
D'you want the other girls to think I can't support my man
I want you to be better dressed than anybody else
I want you to have more money in your pockets I wanna be proud of you
But Irma you don't understand I never felt like this about anybody
That's why I'm gonna work twice as hard for you as I ever did for any of the others
Your turn
Hey Tiger
I don't feel like playin' any more Get somebody else
Give me a drink Cognac Pernod Calvados
Yeah and in that order
Why don't you shut that damn jukebox off
What's the problem You've got a gold mine working for you
And shut yourself off too Say I'm lookin' for Irma
The one with the bow wow She's not here Go away
I've been away: Tangiers Naples Cairo
I met up with a lotta dames but there's nothing like that Irma
Get outta here What is this
I know about you You're the one with Brigitte Bardot tattooed on your chest
Hey you crazy
She must know two sailors A hell of a way to treat a customer
I'm so jealous I'm goin' outta my mind
You must be A mac falling in love with his poule You're like an impresario
You're handling Pavlova and you want her to dance just for you
It's a God given talent It was meant to be shared with the public
Again
Hey There's the bow wow Come on sailor keep rowing
Whew What a night Everybody seems to have the same idea
Always happens when there's a full moon No time to catch my breath
How's my baby I'm fine
No he isn't As a matter of fact he's very grouchy
We can fix that I have a little present for you
What is it A stick pin You put it in your tie
I don't need it Yes you do
Mimi got Casablanca Charlie one This one has real sapphires
Let's go Go where
Home It's only one o'clock
Pack of Gitanes You know I never quit before five
Take the night off Just walk off the job just like that
Disappoint all my regulars To hell with them
Why don't we go away somewhere for a week
A week What are we gonna live on
If I stay away that long I'll lose my spot
She's got the best location We never have any time together
You're out there all night you sleep all day
If only Monsieur Camembert were still around You remember him
Do I Big spender Who is Monsieur Camembert
That's what we called him He was a cheese wholesaler at the market
He used to see me twice a week always gave me 500 francs
so I didn't have to see anybody else I had lots of time then
I went to cooking school I knitted sweaters played solitaire
He was such a nice man
What happened to him
His wife died so he stopped coming around
It was a great loss to all of us
Hey girls Here comes another busload of tourists
Irma stay here
You're sweet Kiss me
You know I've been thinking Maybe you're right I'm gonna give it up
You are
I promise you this is absolutely the last pack I'll ever smoke
All right we're going
See you later
Must be German tourists Short leather pants
Shut up Tourists sailors wholesalers I'd like to kill 'em all
Listen to him Jack the Ripper What am I gonna do
Suppose there was just one man a rich customer who gave her 500 francs
Would that make you any happier No
Maybe it would make me a little less miserable
How about Monsieur Barnathan the goose liver king
That nasty old man with the gout She wouldn't like it
Monsieur Leonelli owns six restaurants comes every morning to do the market
I don't know him A tall young man very good looking
I wouldn't like it
What about one of those Englishmen who drop in here
You know Rolls Royce Oxford Coldstream Guards
They're harmless enough You don't understand
I don't want anybody to make love to her except me
Sentimental slob
I say there old chap I'addition
That's two onion soups a bottle of wine 15 francs
Capital onion soup capital
Pity we don't have rubber pockets we could smuggle some back to London
An Englishman
Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea
It's worth a try I say there No no no
No
Listen Moustache would you lend me 500 francs That's the perfect solution
You give me the money I give it to Irma Irma gives it back to me
and I give it back to you It's very simple
What Don't you see
Irma's going to have a rich lover and it's going to be me
You're mad Yes I'm mad
I'm desperate This is the only way out and you're gonna help me
Let's hear it again
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain
No no through the nose The rain in Spain
And show me some teeth
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain
By George you haven't got it I haven't
Well to a lord you wouldn't be a lord but maybe to Irma
Don't worry I've seen every English movie in town
Hold still Your Lordship Tell me once more where is my castle
In in Worcestershire No that's the sauce In Yorkshire
I thought that was a pudding I've done all I can
Well let's see Homburg umbrella
Where's my 500 francs You mean my 500 francs
Thank you old chip Not old chip old chap
And not that way On the lift On the what
The elevator
Now then shall we have a go at it
This may be the biggest setback for the British since Dunkirk
I know I was there Last man to be evacuated
But that's another story
Hello Uncle Lookin' for a little fun
Quite Am I your type
Not quite Cheerio old chip
Got the time mister Indeed but not the inclination
Good show Anything I can do for you
No thank you Just browsing
I say there would you call that a miniature or a toy
That's not a toy That's a real live dog
I have a dog myself A poodle
No The hound of the Baskervilles Magnificent beast
But then again so are you You must be British
Terribly so Rolls Royce you know Oxford Coldcream Guards
Tell me are you booked
No In that case I mean would you
That is could we Why not
What did you say your name was Irma They call me Irma la Douce
Well if you don't mind Miss la Douce I'd rather not introduce myself
I don't mind In my situation a man must be discreet
You may call me Lord X Lord X Sure
No no no no no my dear that shan't be necessary
What's the matter
All I really want is a bit of companionship
a shoulder to cry on a smile to lean against
Say what does that X stand for eccentric
Let me ask you something my dear Do you find me repulsive
No not at all You're rather nice looking for a lord your age
Thank you You see my wife Lady X she does
Does what Finds me repulsive
Ignores me completely Spends all of her time cultivating the garden
And what's worse cultivating the gardener
The gardener The other day I was watching them
from the turret of the castle
They were in the flower bed together
and he was pruning her begonias They oughta be ashamed
Yes and it was such a jolly marriage those first few years
We'd sit in front of the fire and play double solitaire and Chinese chequers
Solitaire I play solitaire
Capital Could we
That is uh would you I mean shall we
I don't care as long as you're paying for my time
Don't worry about the money You take the red I'll take the blue hm
I once knew a gentleman and all he'd do is scatter some marbles on the floor
and make me pick them up with my toes
How odd
I never played double solitaire before We play off on each other's aces hm
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain you know
No I didn't know Hm it's a fact
That's where I met my wife in Spain in the rain in the plain
I was stationed in Gibraltar
Your wife Lady X is she beautiful Very and very passionate
So I can't really blame her
You see I came back from the war a shattered man
I was wondering about your eye Oh bit of detached retina
Happened at Navarone Those beastly guns popping off all the time
I have a silver plate in this elbow Sink the Bismarck that was
Oh I'm sorry I have one eye one elbow it's not tragic
What is tragic however
I'd rather not talk about it Well if you'd rather not
I was in a Japanese prison camp on the River Kwai
There was a rather nasty explosion
Whole ruddy bridge fell down on me
When they dug me up I was only half a man a hollow shell
You've been through a lot haven't you Well mad dogs and Englishmen eh
With Lawrence in Arabia with Sherpa Tenzing up the Himalayas
And then there was the charge of the Light Brigade
India you know Gunga Din eh
Bengal Lancers Ta ta
Served under Commander Whitehead
And then there was the RAF and the BBC
Ah Dunkirk Ha ha But that's another story
Say have you seen Irma around No
She went up at midnight and hasn't come down yet
That's six hours You should have seen the guy
He was an old goat with a beard I didn't even think he'd make it up the stairs
Ah by George I've done it again One more
Oh I'm afraid not
Oh
I'd better dash to the airport if I'm not to miss my plane
It was rather fun for a change Oh thank you
There you are my dear
Oh
You're very generous Oh not really Just filthy rich
Um
How often do you come to Paris
Twice a week Why
Well maybe we could do it again
Smashing I was about to suggest we make some kind of arrangement
I'd like that and so would Nestor
Yeah uh who The man I live with
Oh
He doesn't mind that you come up here with strangers and pick up their marbles
No Why should he Business is business
Sensible attitude Only thing he objects to is my smoking
I'm trying to quit but it isn't easy
Then you must really love him
Shall we go Just a second Where's my other shoe
Hm My other shoe
Oh hm Er
I'm sorry I really must catch my plane
or Lady X and that wretched gardener will be running amok
See you Thursday same place I'll be waiting
Cheeribye
Whee
This is our lucky night Wait till I tell Nestor
All right what did you do with my shoe
Would you give this to the young lady in room nine
Somehow it wound up in my pocket
Old goat
How did it go You would have been proud of me
What a performance Like Sir Laurence Oliver
That's Laurence Olivier And watch your ascot
My what
Nestor
Nestor Nestor
It happened We hit the jackpot
Whee What happened What jackpot
I found him and he's got a castle and he comes here twice a week
Who Calm down He's English and he's a lord
I'm gonna see him again on Thursday and he's filthy rich
Know how much he gave me How would I know
Come on make a guess
500 francs
Here How about that
500 francs What'd ya have to do for it
Nothing Oh come on
He taught me a new game What kind of game
He beat me nine times That's more like it
He used to play with his wife but she's got something goin' with the gardener
It's 500 francs all right
Later
Hey Tiger can we see ya for a minute
Certainly What's on your mind boys
Congratulations you made it
I didn't do anything Me and the boys have talked it over
Since you're numero uno now we've elected you president
President Of what Local 27 of the MPPA
MPP Macs of Paris Protective Association
Me It was unanimous
It's an honour I'm sure you can find somebody more deserving
We accept Oh I'm so proud of you
Champagne for everybody
Hey Free champagne
Vive Nestor
Vive Vive Vive
Oh I'm so happy From now on it's just going to be the three of us
you and me and the lord Yeah
Let's see 500 francs each time that's 1 000 francs a week 52 weeks a year
so that would be
Darling can I have 100 francs Oh sure
It's for a hair dryer Here's another 100 Get curtains too
Why are you so good to me I just believe in fair dealings
between labour and management
Come on Nestor Le twist
Hands off Lolita He doesn't twist with anybody but me
Get her Mrs President
Uh let's dance
Want to pay for the champagne now I didn't order it
The president always pays when he's inaugurated 270 francs please
Nine bottles Eight for the gang one for her
She had a whole bottle How d'you think she got kidney stones
Well that went fast
Now what about my 500
This isn't workin' out the way we figured
The way you figured I told you it was economically unsound
You'll just have to advance Lord X another 500 when he comes back on Thursday
Oh no not me Well how am I gonna pay Irma
I guess you'll just have to mortgage your castle pick some pockets or rob a bank
I knocked over a bank in Bordeaux my father's but that's another
Shut up
Bit of a sticky wicket isn't it Your Lordship
Irma
Come on
Good morning darling
Good morning Did I wake you
No
Ooh
Oh it looks like a beautiful day
I feel so spoiled and so lazy
Do you realise I don't have a thing to do until Thursday
What's Thursday When Lord X comes again
Oh Oh
You know what let's do Let's rent a tandem and ride out to the country
Trees and grass and fresh air Not today
Or we could go to the Bois and row around the lake
Maybe next week
We don't have to do anything We could stay in bed all day
I'd like that
Want your breakfast now or later Much later
I've got a surprise for you
Close your eyes Thank you
When I was at the department store buying the curtains I saw this
And you know how I feel about green so I tried it on
There was a riot Three of the salesmen got trampled
so naturally I just had to have it
Now don't open your eyes yet I want you to see it against the light
All right you can look now
Nestor
Nestor Not today
Maybe next week
All right
If that's the way you feel about it
My dear girl I was afraid you wouldn't show up
Almost didn't Ran into dirty weather over the Channel Unusually foggy for July
What is it my dear You've changed somehow
Have I How
That patch shouldn't it be on the other eye
Oh
Indeed Well no wonder it was so foggy
I've been practising I'll be much better Oh let's get at it then shall we
Old goat
How are things at home I mean how's Lady X
Her usual self How's the gardener
Finally happened Caught them red handed in the greenhouse
I threw them out pulled up the drawbridge started divorce proceedings
That's too bad Catastrophe
Best damn gardener I ever had
Must be lonely for you at the castle
Very Especially at night just me and the family ghost
spooking around those 96 rooms
How many Not to mention the 400 acres
and the croquet field and the trout hatchery
And all the horses I breed trotters and pacers Separate stables you know
I imagine there must be lots of trees and grass and a brook
And swans and peacocks and unicorns
It sounds like a wonderful place for Coquette I'd like to get her out of the city
She drinks you know Really
I keep finding empty bottles under the bed
Well
Love to invite you to the castle both of you
but I'm sure you wouldn't dream of leaving your young man
No I guess not
Although sometimes I wonder Is something troubling you
Well suddenly he seems so different I mean so indifferent
He's tired all the time not interested in me at all
I'm sure there must be some explanation
I'm beginning to think he's got another girl
That's ridiculous Why would anybody with a girl like you
Somebody ought to give that young man a good talking to
Would you like to meet him Meet him
He's waiting for me across the street
I really ought to be getting to the airport
Oh it'll only take a minute Come on We'll buy you a drink
Thank you but no thank you I mean while I'm getting my divorce
we really shouldn't be seen with each other
Yes Yes you must be careful Maybe we shouldn't even leave the hotel together
Capital suggestion Shall we rendezvous again next Monday hm
Of course
Oh I don't feel right about this
It's taking money under false pretences
After all I don't do anything for you Balderdash
Why if it weren't for this arrangement of ours I should go through the ceiling
Of course it must be very boring for you
Not at all I enjoy it
Oh
You've made me a very happy man
Half man I should say
Well ta ta
toodle oo and tally ho
Up Get up you lush
Look at those circles under your eyes
Carry on like this and we'll have to have your face lifted
Say you're the Englishman that's seeing Irma
I don't believe we've been introduced I'm Hippolyte the Ox
What is on your mind Mr Ox
I just thought if you were interested in something new more unusual
Twins you know What and play three handed solitaire
No thanks
Order
Come on everybody It's getting late
Let's take a vote All right
The motion on the floor is that every girl contributes one day's earnings a week
toward our pension fund All those in favour
Aye Aye
Carried unanimously
OK girls let's have it
I'm back Nestor Hi Ooh that was a rough meeting
Here you are Thank you
Thank you
What's that for You just voted for it The pension fund
Huh
Just part of my programme
Now that I'm president I'm gonna get this organisation movin' ahead
How did it go with His Lordship Fine I'm beginning to like him a lot
It's a good thing the bridge fell on him I might be jealous Cognac
Pernod for me Nothing for her
He's getting a divorce so maybe now he can see me more often
More often I doubt it Where would he get the money
Well he's got this big estate
You know what the taxes are in England
Why some of those lords have to scrounge around for a living
If he saw me three times a week that's 1500 francs
I could buy you a car
A sports model Kiki thinks she's such a hotshot cos she got her guy a scooter
Just wait till they see you drivin' up and down the street with the top down
And I'll get you a little cap to go with it What are you doing
He's trying to get the lipstick off Lipstick
Where did that come from Good question
It must have been you That's it
Me I was in the hotel with His Lordship
That's not it
Oh yes I was at the board meeting we were takin' a vote
and one of the girls was doin' a little lobbyin'
That must be it Which girl was doing a little lobbying
Come on Tiger how about it
Hey you dropped something
Where
There
Oh uh now please Look girls this is ridic
Now I'm the president here Uh oh
Well that's enough Let's shake hands and make up hm
Oh why
Girls
Oh no You wouldn't
Agh
Good morning Tiger How about some breakfast Fresh croissants
I better get back before she wakes up You look terrible
You must have lost 10 pounds 15 I weighed myself on the meat scales
What do you expect Loading unloading in the window out the window
on with the beard off with the beard You're going to fall apart
I don't care as long as I keep her off the streets
It's a hard way to earn an easy living
Nestor
You know Irma I'm a little bit disappointed in you
You promised me you wouldn't smoke any more
Aren't you gonna say anything
I suppose you're wondering where I was
I know where you were You do
You were out with the boys Yeah that's right
Don't lie to me Well where was I
You were out with Lolita
That's right Let me go to bed I'm very tired
You've been with her every night Oh no I haven't
No No not every night
Sometimes I was with Amazon Annie
and sometimes with Mimi the Maumau and sometimes with the twins
and they all want me to handle 'em
So I've decided to branch out you know
Business is business And don't you forget around here I'm numero uno
You make me sick
What are you gonna do about it
This is what you came with Now get out
You're not throwin' me out cos you're crazy about me aren't you
Let go Gonna buy me a new car remember
And a sports cap Let go
And when you buy me the sports cap I want it with a little strap in the back
That's what you'll get from me Let them work for you and see how well you do
You think you're numero uno I'm numero uno
Go outside on the street and ask the first man you see
Ask anybody
I'm sorry it's
Here we are in the 7th inning two out Maury Wills on first
The ball game coming to you direct from LA over the American Forces Network
Marichal on the rubber into a stretch Here's the pitch and there he goes
The throw down to second base is not in time He's stolen another one
Hello
Here you are I was afraid you mightn't show
I didn't realise it was so late I've been walking the streets all day thinking
There's something I'd like to discuss By all means
Not here
I don't want Nestor to know
Let's not take any chances hm Shall we go up to your office
Now then my dear what is it that's so important hm
Did you mean what you said Indeed What did I say
About taking me to England with you
Of course I meant it if I said it
And if you say so I must've said it so I meant it
I'm ready
But you can't go What about Nestor or whatever his name is
Nestor Hippolyte it doesn't matter Sooner or later they give you a bad time
The brutes So if you want me to go with you
It's a bit of a sticky wicket
If it's in any way awkward I don't want to embarrass you
Not at all my dear I'd be delighted
It's just that there's this ghastly servant problem right now
The castle's overrun with plumbers the moat is leaking
Besides I'm a shattered man I'd be of no use to you
Are you sure
As a matter of fact I'm on my way to Zurich now
I wasn't planning to go to England at all
Going to consult a Swiss doctor a specialist
But that's a waste of time They can't help you
I once knew a specialist used to send his patients to me
To you The tough cases
Poor guys Thought they'd run out of gas but they were just stalled
All they needed was a little push A push
I mean mentally To stimulate their imagination
It's all up here you know I wish it were
I had one patient given up as hopeless
until I started telling him about the South Seas
The South Seas What a curious gambit
It worked
Lie down I beg your pardon
Stretch out relax
Close your eyes I mean your eye
No tricks now I promise
You're in Tahiti All right
Tahiti Yes I've been there with Captain Bligh
Mutiny on the Bounty Ha ha
Down Lord
Now concentrate
Palm trees swaying in the breeze
a smell of ripe papayas
a blue lagoon white sand golden skinned girls
Have you got that
Blue lagoon white sand golden skin
They're beautiful aren't they Are they ever Oh
How many do you see
14 to be exact They're wearing grass skirts and coconut shells
No they're not They're not
They're wearing sarongs and hibiscus blossoms in their hair
Oh
Yes by George you're right
Now they take off their sarongs and they start washing them in the blue lagoon
Indeed They
Look it's no use I mean I really am out of gas uh petrol
The tank is completely dry
All right let's forget Tahiti Lie back
You're in Baghdad Baghdad Now how did I get there
Shh
You're in a bazaar
You see an exotic woman with a veil across her face
Big black almond eyes
She winks at you You follow her
She disappears into a palace
There are two Nubian slaves standing guard so you climb over the wall
How high Ten feet
I'll never make it Try you must try
I'm trying Ow Broken glass on the top
Are you over Just barely
Good
Now you're inside the harem
You're lying on silk pillows
Odalisques are fanning you
They're feeding you grapes
painting your toenails
while she does the dance of the seven veils
She takes off the fourth veil
the fifth
the sixth
You will be gentle won't you
Your Lordship
Are you all right Your Lordship
I will be as soon as I pull myself together
You know I think Lady X must have been out of her mind
With you in the house why would she go puttering around in the garden
How kind of you to say so
What time does our plane leave for London
Eight o'clock Oh
I'd better go home and pack
Look I'm afraid I can't take you to my castle in Worcestershire
Why not Because
I don't have a castle in Worcestershire
Of course not it's in Yorkshire
Quite but what I mean to say
I haven't been entirely frank with you my dear Irma
You haven't For instance what I told you about
unicorns There are no unicorns
So what
So she'll play with the peacocks And don't worry about the servant problem
I'll cook for you I'll serve you tea in the afternoon I'll knit you sweaters
I can be ready in 20 minutes
I'll meet you at the bistro across the street Chez Moustache all right
Hey are you there
Your Lordship Yes I'm there
I mean I'm here
And I'll be there The bistro
Oh and one more thing Keep away from Nestor He's vicious
They don't call him Tiger for nothing
I say there this is a bit of a jolly surprise
What'll it be Your Lordship Don't mention that swine
Do you know what they've been doing in that hotel room
Shattered man my eye
And now they're running off to England Irma and the lord
She's packing She's going to walk out on me
Nestor He's taking her to his bloody castle
She's gonna make tea for him knit him sweaters
You're talking crazy They won't get away with it
I'll tear him apart I'll throw him in the Seine
Nestor
There is no lord
There isn't That's right
How do you like that phoney He's been lying to her
What do you mean "he" There is no "he" it's you
Of course it's me but she doesn't know that And she doesn't know I know
But I know that she likes him better than she likes me
See
She wouldn't even take any money from him
I think you'd better have a drink The world isn't big enough for two of us
Lord X is gonna walk down the street and disappear for ever
Nobody's ever gonna see him again I didn't want to see him in the first place
Get my other clothes from the cellar Coming up
Somebody oughta warn him He shouldn't flash all that money around here
He's liable to get hit over the head (both) Are you gonna warn him
Me It's none of my business
In a way I'm going to miss you Your Lordship
Pull yourself together old chap hm Stiff upper lip and all that Cheerio
One more for the road
Jojo have you got your blackjack on you
Sorry How about some brass knuckles
Goodbye Your bloody Lordship
I hate to see you go but c'est la vie old chap
I hope you float back to England
and I hope the fish eat your bloody liver
Hey police Police
What's the time Moustache
Five after eight Sure your watch isn't fast
Maybe or maybe whoever you're waiting for is slow
Here you are Tomorrow at this time you'll be chasing peacocks across the lawn
Where are you going anyway I'm going to visit my aunt
She lives in Brussels That's Belgium you know
Used to be a concert pianist but runs an orphanage now
Oh come on Irma you can do better than that Is that seat taken
Yes Café au lait and a croissant
That aunt could it be she has a beard and an eye patch and her name is Lord X
If that's who you're waiting for he's not gonna show up
Can't I sit here without being annoyed by riffraff
We get all kinds Just a while ago we had a real live English lord in here
He was here Left about an hour ago
Did he say where he was going No No message no nothing
I saw him walkin' down the street toward the river
But we have a date here
Maybe he forgot Maybe he changed his mind
He'll come for me He's a gentleman
Gentleman Don't make me laugh
You know nothing about men I know nothing about men
And you know why Because you've been with too many
Thanks a lot You think you're such an expert on love
You can't even tell when somebody loves you
Like who Like me
Like hell You only love that 500 francs twice a week
What do I have to do to prove it to you
Nestor Patou I arrest you for the murder of Lord X
What The murder of who You recognise these clothes
That's his umbrella and his eye patch and his solitaire card
Thank you Where's the lord
At the bottom of the Seine Oh no
That's a lot of nonsense There is no Lord X
Of course there isn't because you killed him
I saw the whole thing He beat him up stole his wallet
threw his body in the river
Oh
Irma I Wait a minute Moustache tell 'em
Yes that's the lord's
Oh he was such a sweet man The old familiar pattern
Policeman turns dishonest becomes a mac and finally winds up as a murderer
It's an open and shut case Well you'll just have to reopen it
Moustache can prove Shh
My client has nothing more to say
Your client I have a law degree from Grenoble
Used to be one of the leading criminal attorneys before I was disbarred
But that's another story Put the handcuffs on him
Just a moment The accused has a right to confer with his lawyer
What are you trying to do Why not just tell 'em the truth
The truth That's dynamite But I'm innocent
The jails are full of innocent people because they told the truth
You couldn't have killed Lord X because you were Lord X
only you weren't Lord X you were a mac
Only you weren't a mac you worked in the market
to pay for making love to your own girl
whom you could have made love to for free except you were too tired
from making the money to give to Lord X to give to Irma to give to you
That's the truth If you tell that mishmash to a jury you're a cinch to get 15 years
Wha what am I gonna do Nothing Just put yourself in my hands
Gentlemen my client admits his crime
He does I do
But let us consider the motive
Why would a mac kill his girl's best customer
For 500 francs when he can get that twice a week every week
It would be like killing the goose that laid the golden egg
Or because they were running away together
Because he was losing his meal ticket That's equally ridiculous
He's the king around here He could have had any girl working for him
That's right
So we are left with only one possible motive jealousy
He was so in love with Irma he couldn't bear to have any other man touch her
Yes Inspector it's the old familiar pattern crime of passion
Nestor is that true
Yes
You did it because you loved me
Now you know
And I'd kill any other man who came near you
Gets you right here doesn't it
Take him away
Nestor I love you and I'll wait for you no matter how long it takes
You won't have to wait very long This is France a civilised country
L'amour toujours I'amour
When the jury hears my summation
two people in the gutter reaching for the stars
they'll cry they'll cheer
they'll carry him out of the courtroom on their shoulders
Hey Patou
Patou
There's a visitor here to see you
Oh it's you Shh
You're lucky I can't get my hands on you
That's no way to talk to your lawyer You were gonna get me off scot free
They were gonna carry me out on their shoulders
Well you can't win 'em all 15 years at hard labour for what
It's too bad you didn't get sentenced to death I'd have had it commuted to life
and I could have gotten you paroled by Christmas
But a 15 year sentence that's neither here nor there
Never mind that tell me about Irma How is she
She's fine Here I brought you a little souvenir
Thanks Why doesn't she come to see me any more
Why haven't I heard from her Well she doesn't want you to find out
Find out what She's not back on the street again
Oh no That's over with She's still working at the fish market as a cashier
Well then what is it I wanna know
She's expecting Who
Who do you think She's out to here She's going to have a baby
A baby Are you sure
I'd be greatly disappointed if it were anything else
When Any day now
Listen Moustache I gotta get outta here I wanna be with her She needs me
Here I brought you another souvenir More stockings
And another
And another Have you gone mad
And one more What am I gonna do with all of these
If you don't want them throw them out the window But first tie them together
What
You can't park here
There's something wrong with my motor
Nestor Shh
What are you doing here How did you get away
Give me your hand Did they let you out
Try this on You escaped didn't you
Hold still Darling why did you do that
Now they'll give you another five years I was afraid of that it's too big
What's this We're gonna be married
Married You want our child to be legitimate
Why yes of course How is the baby
Full of mischief Yesterday it kicked Coquette right off my lap
Takes after me When I was six months old I could change my own diapers
Nestor What is it
I can't marry you What do you mean you can't marry me
Because I love you You love me so you can't marry me
That's right Because it isn't our baby You're not the father
I'm not
Who's the father I'll kill him
You already did It was Lord X
Lord X
Well what what makes you think A woman always knows these things
I don't care I'll marry you anyway
And I'll raise it just as if it were my own child
They've got the place surrounded
Maybe you could go through the kitchen window and over the roof
No I prefer the closet
The closet That's the first place they'll look
Open up Police
Come on We know he's in there
Yah
All right where's Nestor
Don't you know He's in jail You can visit him there every other Sunday
Cute huh Let's search the place
He's not in there Not in there
Not under here Not under here
Come here everybody This is the man we're looking for
No sign of him No sign of him
Tell him he'd better give himself up or he'll spend the rest of his life behind bars
Let's go men
What's the matter Oh nothing
Let's go men
Did you hear what he said What are you going to do
Well the first thing I have to do is exchange the ring
But we can't get married now You must run you must hide
Nonsense We'll have a church wedding with ushers and bridesmaids and flowers
Moustache is making the arrangements But they'll catch you lock you away
I'm so afraid I'll never see you again Don't be Maybe a miracle will happen
I don't believe in miracles Don't you
When I met you you were a streetwalker Now you're gonna be a wife and a mother
Isn't that a miracle
They're wasting their time looking for him at Irma's
Don't worry they'll catch him No they won't Too much brains
He's smarter than the whole police force
No but I am They're up against the mastermind
Oh I'll bet by now you have him on a boat to South America
Guess again To Hong Kong
He's right here in town
You don't say It's ordinary common sense
You've heard about a criminal always returning to the scene of the crime
The police would never think of looking there
You mean he's under the same bridge Yeah the Pont Royal
Look if you open up your mouth about this to anyone
Me Squeal on a colleague There's such a thing as the code of the underworld
Desk sergeant Connect me with Inspector Lefèvre
Just tell him I want to squeal on a colleague
Hey
You I beg your pardon
You're supposed to be dead murdered Are you quite sure
I saw it with my own eyes Sorry to disappoint you old boy
but other than a headache I'm feeling absolutely chapper I mean chipper
We've been dragging the river for the last nine months Where have you been
A fair question Now let me see I haven't the foggiest
All I can remember is that the climate was rather wet but the fishing was quite good
Now I trust that that clears things up satisfactorily so cheerio and carry on
Are you all right
The pains are coming every two minutes now
Just try to hold on a little longer
Where's the groom
Don't worry If worst comes to worst I'll marry you myself
You look lovely Later later
Nestor wilt thou take Irma here present for thy lawful wife
according to the rite of our holy mother the Church
I will
Irma wilt thou take Nestor here present for thy lawful husband
according to the rite of our holy mother
I will
Ego conjungo vos in matrimonium in nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sanctis
Amen
Adjutorium nostrum in nomine Domini qui fecit coelum et terram
Domine exaudi orationem meam
et clamor meus ad te veniat
Dominus vobiscum et cum spirito tuo Oremus
With this ring I thee wed With this ring I thee wed
And I pledge thee my fidelity And I pledge thee my fidelity
Just a minute Patou
I wanna congratulate you It was touching
Awful nice of you to show up We're planning a reception for you
At the police station My wife is about to have
A hoax has been perpetrated I'll get to the bottom of it
You can't arrest me in a church Arrest you
I want you to rejoin the force and help us solve this case
Rejoin the force Gee I'd like that
Not unless I can have my old job back at the playground
Playground Work for peanuts and jellybeans
I'm crazy about children I'm about to have one myself
I just had it Excuse me
It's a girl Smoothest delivery I ever had
She's beautiful You delivered the baby
Why not I was chief obstetrician in Equatorial Africa under Dr Schweitzer
Nestor
They're not taking you away You can call me Officer Patou again
What happened Not now
Oh let me hold her
Oh it's gonna be such fun bringing her up
I can put her in organdie dresses and pinafores
And I'm gonna get her some green stockings and a puppy
Yeah
Oh no No green stockings No puppy
No No
Cheeribye
But that's another story